Yes, You Should Be Assertive at Work: The When, Why, and How for Female Leaders

Let's cut to the chase: Being assertive isn't just okay in the workplace—it's essential for female leaders. And if anyone tells you differently, they're part of the problem.

For too long, assertive women have been labeled "aggressive," "bossy," or everyone's favorite backhanded compliment: "a bit much." Meanwhile, our male colleagues get praised for being "confident," "direct," and "leadership material."

Enough of that nonsense. It's time to reclaim assertiveness as the powerful leadership tool it is.

Why Assertiveness Matters (Even When It Makes Others Uncomfortable)

Assertiveness isn't about being loud or domineering. It's about advocating for yourself, your team, and your ideas with clarity and conviction. Research consistently shows that assertive leaders:

• Earn 31% more over their careers

• Are 68% more likely to be promoted to senior positions

• Report 47% higher job satisfaction

• Lead teams that achieve 23% better results

Yet women face the infamous "double bind": be too accommodating and you're seen as weak; be assertive and you're labeled difficult. This catch-22 has kept too many brilliant women from reaching their potential.

The solution isn't to tone yourself down. It's to master the strategic art of assertiveness.

When to Dial Up Your Assertiveness (No Apologies Needed)

1. During Salary Negotiation

The gender pay gap isn't closing itself. Women who don't negotiate their initial salary lose an average of $650,000 over their career lifetime. That's not a typo.

When discussing compensation, come prepared with market data, your accomplishments, and a clear target number. State it directly: "Based on my experience and the market rate, I'm looking for $X." No hedging, no apologizing, no "I feel like maybe I might possibly deserve..."

2. When Setting Boundaries

Your time and energy are finite resources. When someone tries to schedule a meeting during your focused work time, dump extra work on your plate without resources, or interrupt you in meetings, assertiveness isn't just appropriate—it's necessary.

Try: "I've reserved this time for strategic work. Let's schedule this for tomorrow afternoon instead." Or, my personal favorite: "I've noticed you've interrupted me twice now. I'd like to finish my point."

3. When Presenting Ideas

Women often preface their ideas with qualifiers like "This might be silly, but..." or "I'm just thinking aloud here..." Stop that right now.

Instead, lead with conviction: "I've analyzed the data, and here's what we need to do..." or "My recommendation is..." Then own the silence that follows. Don't fill it with justifications or backpedaling.

4. When Receiving Unwarranted Criticism

When someone criticizes your work unfairly or gives feedback that's more about tone than substance, assertiveness is your shield.

Respond with: "I appreciate feedback focused on outcomes. Could you clarify which specific results weren't met?" This redirects the conversation to objective measures rather than subjective judgments about your communication style.

You Can Be Assertive And Nice At The Same time

As women, we typically struggle with the stereotype that if we are assertive, then we are not nice. Or that if you are assertive, then you might feel you are not entirely being yourself. The good news is that, you can be both. Assertiveness should not subtract but add to your skill set. Here's how:

1. Use Precision Language

Replace tentative language with confident, precise statements:

• Instead of: "I think maybe we should consider..."

• Try: "Based on our Q3 results, we need to..."

• Instead of: "Sorry to bother you, but..."

• Try: "I need your input on this by Thursday."

2. Foster the Power of the Pause

Assertive communication isn't just about what you say—it's about how you say it. Pause before responding to challenging questions. It demonstrates thoughtfulness and prevents reactive communication.

Practice the three-second rule: When asked a difficult question, take three seconds before responding. It feels like an eternity in the moment, but appears composed and deliberate to others.

3. Employ Strategic Warmth

Research shows that pairing assertiveness with genuine warmth creates the most effective leadership style for women. This isn't about faking niceness—it's about demonstrating that directness and empathy can coexist.

Start tough conversations with connection: "I value our working relationship, which is why I need to be direct about what's not working here..."

4. Create Assertiveness Allies

Identify colleagues who can amplify your voice and validate your assertions. This technique, famously used by women in Obama's White House who would repeat and credit each other's ideas, ensures your contributions don't get overlooked or appropriated.

The Truth About "Likability" and Success

Here's the unvarnished truth: You don't need everyone to like you. You need them to respect you.

The most successful female leaders aren't universally adored—they're deeply respected for their clarity, consistency, and courage. They've learned that effectiveness trumps popularity every time. Today, being liked might feel good, but what are you giving up long term?

Embrace Your Assertive Edge

The most powerful thing about assertiveness is that it's a skill, not a personality trait. That means anyone—including you—can develop it through deliberate practice.

Start small. Choose one meeting this week where you'll speak without qualification. Set one boundary with a colleague who consistently oversteps. Ask for one resource your team needs without apologizing for the request.

Then watch what happens. Not just in how others respond, but in how you feel. There's an unmistakable clarity that comes with speaking your truth directly.

The workplace wasn't designed for women to succeed, but that doesn't mean we can't redesign it—one assertive conversation at a time.

Your voice, your expertise, and your leadership are not just valuable—they're essential. And using them with confidence isn't just okay.

It's exactly what your team and your manager might need from you right now.

Andie Rox is an award-winning executive coach specializing in helping female leaders develop authentic assertiveness that drives results. Visit andierox.com for more strategies to amplify your leadership impact.